A while back, God put it on my heart to write about this topic.
Phew…I thought, that’s quite a thing. Of course, I write all my blogs from my own experiences, my own pitfalls and victories together with God, and so it is often personal stuff that I share with you, and I have no problem with that at all, all for the honor and glory of His Name, even if I have to “bare my buttocks,” as we sometimes say in the Netherlands.
But this topic…I had to swallow it for a moment. It’s quite sensitive, and I don’t want to judge people who might be in a similar situation right now. But God’s Word is truth, and the truth will set you free (John 8:32).
"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” - John 8:32
Yet, I have taken some time in prayer and even in fasting to determine whether this is really what God is asking of me and how I am going to put things into words. Because it is a difficult and sensitive subject, it will also be a somewhat longer blog than you are used to from me so far, so grab a cappuccino, take seat 😉…,and let me just start at the beginning.
Before I made the choice to follow Jesus, I was in a relationship. Both completely in the world, and God was nowhere to be seen in our lives.
We lived apart at that time, each in our own house. We also had our own friends, outings, lives and even vacations apart from each other. So “living apart together” (LAT), as they say “hip”. I had been in this relationship for a few years by the time I chose Jesus, again (I did that about 10 years earlier; read more about that in my blog, “My first encounter with Jesus”). So, while in this relationship I gave my life to Jesus and grew more and more with Him.
My then-partner didn’t want to know anything about God. He thought it was all fine with what I did and that I went so completely for God, but he himself didn’t want to know anything about it.
God created us all with our own free will, and He will never change that, including the will of my then-partner. The choice for Jesus must come from your own free will and from your own heart. No one can force this on you, not even God. The fact that you miss an incredibly great and beautiful opportunity when you do not choose Him and thus place your eternity in the balance is a story in itself.
God's Word is enough
Well, fast-forward. While I was in this relationship, God showed me more and more often that this relationship was not what He wanted for me. I kept putting it away, but I couldn’t get away from the constant dissatisfaction inside me and the “gut feeling” the Holy Spirit gave me.
There was never peace in the relationship, and i
n my spirit, I felt that this was not the way, although I initially pushed that realization away for a very long time and made up all kinds of excuses.
We lived separately, we both had our own houses and were not married. Actually speaking; sinful in God’s eyes. I can still remember being in a Sunday service with beautiful worship. During that worship, God spoke in my Spirit: “Do you know what my Word says?” I immediately knew He was referring to this relationship with a person who does not love Him.
In the Spirit I said “yes, Lord, I know Your Word.” “You just have to do what My Word says,” God said. From that moment on it took another year before I took the step to actually end the relationship. Meanwhile, God continued to speak about this patiently and in love all that time. I now know, but at that moment I didn’t want to believe it, and put it away for a while.
Joined together
The Bible warns us many times about a relationship with an unbeliever. Or rather, not having a relationship with an unbeliever. Not because we are “better” or they are not worth it. That’s not what it’s about at all. One is not better than the other, but we do live in completely different worlds than unbelievers.
This is a completely different story if you are already married and one of the two becomes a believer during the marriage. The Bible says very different things about that. But the focus in this blog is mainly on the unequal yoke outside of marriage between a believer and unbeliever.
I have experienced firsthand that God’s warnings about having a romantic relationship with an unbeliever while not married are, of course, true, as is the rest of His Word.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: “I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.” Therefore, “Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.” And, “I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.”– 2 Corinthians 6:14-18
Imagine two animals who are joined together at the neck by a wooden yoke so they can pull a plow. They are two animals of the same species, joined together to accomplish a certain job. They’ve been trained to respond to the farmer’s voice, and they’re considered a team once they are joined together by the yoke. A wise farmer will pick two animals that work well together. They both have about equal strength, and make a good team. 
If one animal is stronger, more stubborn, or lazier than the other, one of them could get hurt, and they’re likely to end up walking in circles. A “team” like that is more like a pair in bondage. The Bible uses this illustration to instruct us to be careful about who we “yoke” ourselves to in any kind of relationship that will shape our identity or the way we do things.
If we try to live life yoked together with an unbeliever, it’s nearly impossible to enjoy harmony and agreement, there will be no peace and unity. As a team of two, both must be unified in their destination. When the two animals are pulling in different directions, they’re fighting against each other. The way you want to do God’s will and how your partner lives apart from God, it will eventually exhaust you. To stay tied together is foolish.
This was exactly what I experienced in this relationship. There was no unity anymore, and we both wanted to go in different directions in life. We both had different expectations. I wanted to go all out for God, but the brakes were pressed on all sides, and I had to make concessions at God’s expense. Not so much that he forbade me to do things, but because you are “yoked together,” you have to take each other into account, and so I often had to make concessions somewhere or accept things in my life that I actually, from my relationship with God, did not want in my life anymore.
I experienced that we were walking in circles and not making any progress. There was no growth in the relationship, and after six years, we were still exactly at the same point as when we started. In my experience, we walked in circles, always ending up at the same point; a “living apart together” relationship, I with God and he without God, the same conversations, and no growth.
From darkness into the Light
“You must not make a treaty of any kind with the people living in the land. They lust after their gods, offering sacrifices to them. They will invite you to join them in their sacrificial meals, and you will go with them. Then you will accept their daughters, who sacrifice to other gods, as wives for your sons. And they will seduce your sons to commit adultery against me by worshiping other gods.” – Exodus 34:15-16
When you do not follow the God of Israel, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, you automatically (consciously or unconsciously) follow the enemy. There is no middle ground. 
“For you are a holy people, who belong to the Lord your God. Of all the people on earth, the Lord your God has chosen you to be his own special treasure.” – Deuteronomy 7:6
Clear words from the Word of God, if you ask me.
The moment we make a choice for Jesus, we are transferred from darkness to light, and at that moment everything has become new (2 Corinthians 5:17) and we belong to Him.
As a result, we no longer have anything in common with those who do not walk with Jesus. And I noticed that all too well. The more time went by, the more God changed me and I grew to hate the things He hates and love the things He loves. And that is completely at odds with everything that people who, including my then-partner, do not know God focus their lives on.
Relationships influence us, that’s for sure. There is no closer connection than a romantic relationship between a man and a woman. A believer who marries an unbeliever is directly violating the Word of God and playing with disaster. God should be the most important person in our lives. How can we ever become “one” with someone who does not love our Lord?
“A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong !!TO THE LORD.!!”– 1 Corinthians 7:39
“You must not intermarry with them. Do not let your daughters and sons marry their sons and daughters, for they will lead your children away from me to worship other gods. Then the anger of the Lord will burn against you, and he will quickly destroy you.” – Deuteronomy 7:3-4
Even Solomon, the wisest king ever lived, ended up without God by marrying women who did not serve God.
“Was it not because of marriages like these that Solomon king of Israel sinned? Among the many nations there was no king like him. He was loved by his God, and God made him king over all Israel, but even he was led into sin by foreign women.” -Nehemiah 13:26
Moral of his story: never think that you are wiser than Solomon and that you can safely ignore God’s command without suffering harm!
No concessions
“Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies” -- 1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Someone can be nice, sweet and kind, but if he/she does not know God, we should not want to bond with them. Even if it is just for the fact that he/she knows only worldly “love”. If you don’t have an intimate relationship with Jesus, you don’t know Biblical love, true love, because God IS love.
I also come from the world but have had to learn that the “love” we know from the world system is nothing compared to Biblical love which goes against our flesh, against our natural grain to seek the welfare and benefit of other people above ourselves. It takes God!
You can only have peace in a relationship when you both are on the same page. You both know God’s character and, together with your partner, you put His will first. He will then teach you how to love according to His Word. When one knows Him and the other does not, it is already out of balance. 
And along with all the other things God warns about, the relationship will always be a struggle and does not receive His blessing because it is contrary to His Word.
When we are in a romantic relationship with an unbeliever, there is a very good chance that it will lead us away from God or hinder our growth with Him, and we will never be able to fulfill His plan for our lives. There will be one relationship that will most likely, ultimately fail, either your relationship with your partner, or your relationship with God. And often that is God, because God does not impose himself on our lives. This makes us more inclined to let Him wait a little while and to make concessions in our relationship with Him.
If He can’t be first in your life, He can’t give His blessing.
The society we live in now, with all the shouting about feminism and in which women are ‘supposed’ to be equal to men and have the same rights, will not appreciate the illustration with the umbrella, below. But this is Biblical and the way God intended.Men and women are simply not the same, as the world tells us. Women are just completely different from men. We think, feel and react differently. And in a relationship you, of course, do things together, but we women just fulfill a different role within the family.
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“So be very careful to love the Lord your God. But if you turn away from him and cling to the customs of the survivors of these nations remaining among you, and if you intermarry with them, then know for certain that the Lord your God will no longer drive them out of your land. Instead, they will be a snare and a trap to you, a whip for your backs and thorny brambles in your eyes, and you will vanish from this good land the Lord your God has given you.” – Joshua 23:11-13
“We promise not to let our daughters marry the pagan people of the land, and not to let our sons marry their daughters.” – Nehemiah 10:30
Apart from all this, let’s be honest on another thing; a relationship with an unbeliever will also involve intimacy. From a worldly perspective, intimacy is part of a relationship. Although from a Biblical perspective, it is exclusive and only intended within a marriage.
He or she will not want, be able, or get the concept and the thoughts of waiting for this until after the wedding. Which also makes sense because you receive the power of willing to wait for this until after marriage from the Holy Spirit. From within yourself, your own flesh and your own strength, without the help of God, this is virtually impossible. Our bodies now are a temple of the Holy Spirit.
I learned the hard way
We have to deal with the world we live in and with the people. We need to avoid people who affect us negatively or who weigh our relationship with God more than those who influence us positively. And honestly, an unbeliever does not put God’s will first, but his/her own needs, emotions and future plans. While we as Christians have to crucify our flesh, and take up our cross (Luke 9:23). We must focus on Him and His will for our lives. For it is no longer I who live, but He in me (Galatians 2:20).
It is naive to think that an unbelieving spouse will accept Jesus after marriage. Or that we are able to “convert” our unbelieving partners. While it is certainly possible, it is not what God promises in His Word. In fact, the statistics are extremely against this happening. Regardless of whether it is possible or not, because with God all things are possible, a believer who marries an unbeliever is directly violating God’s Word and His warnings. It is not a good start for any relationship to reject God’s Word. You want His blessing on your relationship, and you will not receive it when it goes against His Word.
In fact, you are asking God to bless your sin. Sounds harsh, but it is true.
“How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?” – 1 Corinthians 7:16
God asks us to protect our hearts (Proverbs 4:23) and we do this by letting His Word guide our lives. His Word gives us direction, wisdom, protection and love; a manual for life.
I could not share my faith with the person who was so close to me, which was a huge loss and, at a certain point, caused irritation and misunderstanding. I learned the hard way, unfortunately.
It is terrible and extremely lonely when you cannot share what is most important to you in your life with your partner. You are not understood, and you are alone in the matters that are important to you. You want to be able to talk about it together, share and experience things together.
It can be tough when you see other couples who do serve God together and share their faith experience together. You will always have to face part of your life alone.
Been there, done that.
To me, it felt as if I was speaking Finnish, and he was speaking Japanese; we no longer understood each other. We shared the “bits and pieces,” but we could not share the deeper conversations and insights of life. After six years, I didn’t want to have a “living apart together” relationship anymore. I wanted more, and I knew from God’s Word there was so much more than this. In addition to all the other things in which I want to serve God and put Him first, I also want to pursue a marriage, as God intended in His Word. In the Bible, you will not find “long distant relationships, LAT, living together or dating”.
“Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” – Genesis 2:24
Being unequally yoked with unbelievers just doesn’t work. You have such different views on life; you both want different things, you both have other norms and values; you both find different things important; and you both get your joy from very different things. I had a completely different view of life and the future. I simply no longer wanted certain things in my own life or in the lives of my children, worldly things that were once very normal to me, but because of the changes God had made in me, were now a terror to me.
Yet, these things where still very normal for him.
Believers and unbelievers are as different as justice and injustice, light and darkness, and Christ and the devil. One has faith, the other has none. One is the temple of the Holy Spirit and the other an idol.
It was a long road for me, but fortunately God was so patient, and in the end, God turned beauty from these ashes.
No matter how you look at it, and believe me, I have tried every possible way (unconsciously) to influence God’s will in such a way that He would approve of this relationship, but I had to repent because honestly, it doesn’t work! Eventually, you and your partner will grow apart or you and God grow apart and it’s not worth it. No man can replace God or your relationship with Him.
I grew more and more with God, and my then-partner was left behind in the world. At one point, we didn’t share anything at all anymore. I no longer wanted the things that gave me emptiness, and our paths parted more and more.
I want to live for and with God. I have finally discovered the true fullness of life and i was not about to give it up or compromise on it. Not even if that meant I would have to continue alone.
My patience was tested because I thought, if I waited and prayed long enough, he would come to his “senses”, but nothing happened. God can do miracles, but if someone does not want to do it, God is also powerless.
When I finally asked him, after a few years of waiting and praying, point-blank if he wanted to serve God with me i received a clear “no,” that was “the bullet in the church”, a Dutch proverb says meaning with that answer, a decision was made.
His answer was loud and clear, and that is, of course, his right. But, that was the last straw for me, and I ended the relationship. I was exhausted and couldn’t take anymore. We parted as friends.
Afterward, I daily continued to receive confirmations from God that the relationship was not in His will, and even weeks after the relationship was over, His confirmations still continued to come in on a daily basis. At one point I even told God….”Lord, maybe You missed it, but it’s already over, You don’t have to remind me” LOL. I said it jokingly, but in the meantime, it took His confirmations to help me stand firm, knowing that this was the best choice.
We belong to God
Any Christian who thinks he or she can convert his or her spouse or does not see the conflict between being unequally yoked is deceived.
These are sensitive topics because, of course, you also have to deal with the feelings and emotions of the other person, in this case, your unbelieving partner. So it is certainly not an easy subject. Even though God showed me time and time again that it really wasn’t going to work, and it did’t, it was still a difficult path to walk.
Yet, I can now testify to the fact that it is not in line with God’s will, and the moment I was out of this relationship, all kinds of spiritual blockages disappeared. My relationship with God received a huge boost, and almost immediately after the relationship ended, I received a beautiful promise from God; 
a Godly man and Biblical marriage was waiting for me in the future.
If you are currently in a relationship with an unbeliever, I would encourage you to re-examine the Bible texts in this blog and ask God for revelation and guidance on what and how to do. I don’t tell you what to do, nor do I judge you, because I know better than anyone how difficult it is. And again, with this blog, I absolutely do not want to make unbelievers feel inferior or indicate that they are not worthy of believers. Because that is not what I want to portray, you are both so extremely different that you should not even want this for yourself because you are putting yourself in a very difficult position and a huge struggle.
My grandmother used to say, “Two faiths on one pillow; the devil sleeps between them.” And so it is, as a believer, you give the enemy an entrance into your life because you put your life of faith in the balance.
When we allow unrighteousness to enter our lives in any way, it can chill our love for God.
“And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.” – Matthew 24:12
You will be weaker in your faith than if you had had a religious partner.
It is a subject that everyone must find out for themselves, together with God. All I can do is encourage you and testify to the fact that it is always worth trusting God’s Word and keeping it as a guideline throughout your life. No matter how painful the choices or decisions we face may sometimes be, God’s Word gives you peace and strength, and we don’t have to face these things alone. He is with us every step of the way.
Everyone has their own relationship with God and their own path to walk, so you can also discover this together with Him.
Remember, God is a good Father, and He wants the best for you. He will never ask you to give up something when He doesn’t have something better for you. Trust Him, follow His Word and experience His goodness in every area of your life, even if that means letting people go.
