Strangely enough, it took me over a year before I dared to pray out loud in front of other people. When I was alone, I would pray the most powerful prayers, but as soon as someone was around, I would “shit seven colors of shit” out of fear.
I would clam up, and not a word would pass my lips. I found it so frustrating because I wanted it so bad, but it didn’t work out, and the fact that I was slightly forced into it by some people didn’t help. This made me retreat even more into my shell during prayer. People made comments which made me doubt whether or not I would be Spirit filled, because in that case I would have been more bold, so they told me! It is true, of course, if you have the Holy Spirit, you have also received His power (Acts 1:8), but I now know our thinking pattern also needs to be renewed (Romans 12:2), and that is not going to come overnight. So it can sometimes take a while. One person may go faster than the other.
“But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.” – Acts 1:8
“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is his good, pleasing and perfect will.”- Romans 12:2
Our thinking is often a pattern of years and years, and that must be renewed according to the Word. Our brain needs to be reset, that can sometimes take some time.
At the time, when I was “expected” to pray out loud and in company, I was not that far yet. It helps that I naturally do not care much about the opinions of others, but if that were the case, or if you did not yet know your identity in Christ, it could easily cause a blockage in your faith life through what people say to you from their own flesh.
You might start to have doubts about whether you are doing everything well enough and whether you have received the Holy Spirit at all! It’s not a good thing, if you ask me.
How God used my friend
I think it is so beautiful how God directs things again, because after a long time, when I became more confident in my faith life and when I was more aware of who I actually am in Christ, an unexpected moment came when I was visiting my dear friend. We where sitting at her kitchen table, and we expressed our concerns about our children to each other.
We decided to pray for her four children, and for my two boys. A beautiful, spontaneous and powerful moment. Two mothers who came to God and laid their children at His feet.
She prayed so powerfully, and after that, there were no more words to add. As if “reading” my thoughts and fears about praying out loud, she stopped her prayer without an “Amen”. There was silence for a moment, and we sat holding hands in this silence when suddenly, out of nowhere, I started praying and the words that flowed over my lips continued to steam. I don’t know exactly how long we prayed together for our children, but it was long and it was powerful!
We closed in tears and a “big” AMEN! I was so grateful because it was such a big stumbling block for me.
Into the deep
"When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” - Luke 5:4
Shortly afterward, I faced a big challenge; at least for me, it was a big challenge at that moment.
We were evangelizing with our church in my town. A wonderful evening! We went through the streets walking and singing with a large group, a microphone and a big fat music box.
My pastor has a wonderful voice and attracted many people to his cheerful singing! We stopped here and there for a moment and then continued walking while singing. The end point was at the large market in the middle of the city center. Here we sang some more songs, and suddenly the pastor came to me and said, “After this song, you can say a prayer over your city”.
I shook and said; NOPE! But he smiled and nodded; Yes, “it will be fine”, he said.
It reminds me of the Bible verse in Luke 5:4, in which Jesus tells Simon (Peter) to go into the deep and let out his nets there. I also felt thrown in at the deep end at that moment, LOL.
Sometimes we have to go deep to follow Jesus, only then will we experience His power because through our weaknesses, He is strong and we don’t have to do things alone (2 Corinthians 12:10).
Back to my moment of terror, LOL: I said a short prayer to God, and thought, “Okay, I’m just going to do this now!” I had crossed the threshold with the step I had taken moments earlier, in the safety of only my dear friend. With this still in my mind, I had no intention of taking a step back again.
For my ways only go upward (Deuteronomy 28:13), and that was also the case in this situation.
“The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom.” – Deuteronomy 28:13
So the moment he handed me the microphone, I took a step forward. I closed my eyes and just let the words of the Holy Spirit guide me. I was grateful that I could say a prayer and speak the Lord’s blessing over all the people, and “my city,” the city that is so dear to me because it gave me a new start after a very difficult period in my life.
It was an honor.
"That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:10
Doubt is not of God
We have to be careful with what we say to people. I sometimes have a hand in it myself, to point out to people what they already possess when they have accepted Jesus. And I sometimes find myself frustrated when I see how many Christians leave parts of their inheritance on the shelf. You just want so much for every Christian to know and to receive everything that Jesus accomplished on the cross.
However, this was also a good lesson for me because sometimes we are just not there yet. Sometimes we are just one revelation away from a breakthrough.
It is very good that we build each other up and keep each other sharp;
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another” - Proverbs 27:17
But let us do so under the guidance of the Holy Spirit and not just say things based on our own insight (Proverbs 3:5).
When we allow ourselves to be led by the Holy Spirit, it will always be encouraging, constructive and in line with God’s Word, and it will not inspire fear or sow doubt. That is not from God.
I want to encourage you, if there are things that you are having difficulty with, ask the Holy Spirit to help you with it. He is our helper (John 14:26).
If you have people around you who are having difficulty stepping out, pray for them and encourage them in love. But it is not up to us to judge where they are at that moment in their faith life.
