It’s not that I’m a relationship expert, far from it, but in the meantime I have gained some experience, especially how not to do it, LOL.
Every relationship I’ve had, in the past, were relationships in which God was not present. Looking back on it, we just did whatever, not really having a clue how to keep the relationship going or what was needed for that. As you get older and change, life and the things you experience make you look differently at the world, the people around you and often also at yourself. Children come along, which is a blessing, but which also makes the relationship different. From lovers, you suddenly become parents and especially the moms tend to put their children above their husband, which is also logical in a way 😉. 
It doesn’t have to be a problem, you can also grow together, but when you both have no idea how to maintain your relationship and each other or grow together, then that becomes a completely different story.
Fortunately, I am now blessed with a marriage to a sweet, God-fearing man. God brought us together in the summer of 2024 and He also plays a huge role in our lives together now. Every day we notice how He leads us both, and we see how we are slowly being woven together with Him like a three-stranded cord (Ecclesiastes 4:12).
“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12
It is beautiful to see God’s Word moving in your marriage.
Yet we both carry with us the necessary baggage and life experience when it comes to relationships and marriages (and especially how not to do it). And as sad as that is on the one hand, we now also know very well what the consequences can be of, for example, poor or no communication at all. And with a lack of communication in a relationship, I only mention one example.
Unfortunately, we have both experienced a lot in many areas in which a relationship becomes dysfunctional or can fail. Although the past of both of us has a lot of sorrow and pain, we have also learned enough lessons from it. We clearly see where God has taken us from and what He has given us with this life that we can now build together.
Blame it all on the devil
My husband and I are happy and content with each other, we pray together and for each other and for our children. We seek God together, serve together, fast together, celebrate communion together, read the Bible together, we seek each other out daily to catch up on the day or what keeps us busy or cook together. Our relationship with God is very good and strong, both as a threefold cord, but also separately from each other. In our time alone, before we knew each other, we both invested a lot of time in building that personal relationship with Jesus, and we reap the benefits of that.
Recently, I have often thought about Bible texts in which God promises to give us back what has been stolen from us.
“I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten – the great locust and the young locust, the other locusts and the locust swarm – my great army that I sent among you.” -Joel 2:25
“Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. For I, the Lord, love justice; I hate robbery and wrongdoing. In my faithfulness I will reward my people and make an everlasting covenant with them.”
-Isaiah 61:7-8
“Those who sow with tears will respond with songs of joy.”- Psalm 126:5
Both my husband and I have had the enemy destroy, break up and take away our marriages and families. Of course, we humans have our share. I have no illusions that we have acted perfectly in the past and as easy as it would be to blame the devil for everything, I am very aware that that is not realistic either. 
But when I look back at my own relationships, I do see how and at what times the enemy has had a clear hand in this. At the same time, when I look at how God has restored all of this, I can only be very thankful.
He first restored me from the pain and traumas of my past, and then built me up again and worked on my relationship with Him.
It has been a process of several years. Not only has He restored everything, He has given me back more than I ever had before. He has not only given me back a marriage, but a marriage to a man who loves Him and puts Him first and loves me as Christ loves the church. A marriage where God has the highest place and all the space. A marriage with a man who daily does everything in his power to seek God, to hear His voice and to be obedient to Him.
The war against marriage
How happy and blessed I am now in my marriage, made me realize one morning how many couples are struggling, how many marriages are under pressure. All around us, I see couples standing diametrically opposed to each other. I see the pressure that is exerted on marriages from the darkness and that is no different in marriages among Christians.
The enemy hates marriages and families because they are a direct reflection of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5:22-33), and he will do everything he can to destroy them. Perhaps even more so, the marriages of Christians, because they can be a direct threat to him.
When trouble, pain and conflict dominate your marriage and family, I can imagine that it is difficult to keep a spiritual perspective. You can be overwhelmed by worries, arguments, misunderstandings on both sides or even icy silences between you and your spouse.
I see it around me, unfortunately, and it hurts me to see my brothers and sisters struggling because you recognize it from your own past. You know the stories, you know the lonely feelings, and you know the feeling of wanting to flee with screeching tires and never want to come back, and this is not something you wish on anyone else. It hurts to see the enemy so busy in the families of your brothers and sisters.
But how do you get back on track, the track where you see that you and your spouse are actually on the same team and where you see that it is the devil who pits you against each other? He is the real enemy of your marriage, it is you against him, not you and your spouse against each other.
“I love those who love me, and those who seek me find me.” - Proverbs 8:17
I am no expert, but personally I am convinced of one thing; you must get on your knees before God and seriously seek Him. God lets Himself be found for those who seriously seek Him (Proverbs 8:17), and the man must take his place as priest in the family if that is not the case.
“But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.” – Matthew 6:33
Of course, this does not solve it in one fell swoop, I understand that better than anyone. Perhaps years of pain and trouble that preceded this; have not simply disappeared, but I do think that this should be your starting point, seeking God’s Kingdom. Putting Him both first, seeking Him together and bringing everything to His throne. Being open and honest with each other, yourself and above all with God. He does not judge, but He does admonish and wants nothing more than to help with a restoration.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trivializing it. I know how hard and impossible it can seem when you’re so far apart that you can’t see the light of day. Maybe you’ve even gotten to the point where you think, “Even if it could work out, I don’t even know if I want it to work out anymore.” But I want to remind you that we serve a God of miracles, and what seems hopeless or impossible with man is possible with our God (Mark 10:27). 
No one is ever too far gone to be saved, and no marriage is too broken for God to restore.
“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.” - Mark 10:27
God of restoration
Our God is a God of restoration and peace. He is a God of rest, but then we must first seek Him ourselves, and that depends equally on both partners. God is not a God who is quarrel, doubt, frustration, unrest or other naivety. When you see that frequently in your life and in your relationship with your partner, you can actually already conclude that the enemy has gained too much entrance and influence in your marriage.
In addition to seriously seeking God together, I believe it is important to see who you are actually fighting against (Ephesians 6:12), not against each other but together against the enemy, and to act accordingly. That is to say; dust off your spiritual armor, put it on and realize that you are on a battlefield (Ephesians 6:10-20).
Both will delve into your identity and your authority in Christ and realize that you are children of the King and that the enemy therefore has absolutely no right in your life, in your marriage, and that you will enter into that spiritual battle together.
God has given us all authority to tread on serpents and scorpions (Luke 10:19). Knowing that you are no longer under the curse (of Adam) but under the blessing (of Abraham) and what is rightfully yours as a child of the Most High, what promises are in store for you and what in fact is Jesus’ inheritance to you, is crucial.
When you are aware of all this, you will also know what the enemy wants to rob you of, and you will see more and more clearly what is actually going on. The enemy only comes to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). He will use everything and pull out all the stops to deceive you, to set you against each other and to undermine you.
Choose wisely
I personally believe that we should not let our feelings take over. Our feelings can be just as changeable as the weather, and in bad weather they are therefore not a good advisor. Sometimes it is necessary to “put your feelings aside” and “just” make conscious choices.
A marriage cannot always be “roses and moonshine” and in this life we will know storms, that is why it is all the more necessary to make a conscious choice for your partner day after day. To be aware of his/her presence, of the little things he/she does for you, but also to consciously continue to choose to serve the other.
I say it as if it is all easy-peasy, but a good relationship is work, as cliché as that sounds. Even in the midst of storms, I think it is necessary to be aware of each other and to keep choosing each other. Every day. Whether it is fun or not, whether you think your partner “deserves” it or not, and whether you feel like it or not. Someone has to take the first steps somewhere…
Try to think back to when you first met and how God brought you together. Just as He was there in the many moments of your life together, He is there now. He gave you to each other.
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” – Deuteronomy 31:8
God will never leave you (Deuteronomy 31:8) and is with you all the days of your life. He always keeps His promises, His promises are Yes and Amen (2 Corinthians 1:20).
“For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God.” – 2 Corinthians 1:20
It is not easy, it is difficult, painful, can seem hopeless and loneliness can often seize you. But still I want to encourage you; seek God together, persevere and keep courage. Know that in the end you are a team and together on the same side, but even more;
know Who is with you!
