07/02/2025
My dear husband has been walking with God for many years. Yet, especially in the past two years or so, his relationship with God has changed and deepened enormously. He, too, has a powerful testimony that I couldn’t wait to put down on paper.
A little awkwardly on his part, but mostly with a lot of fun, we started this conversation at home, on the couch.
- Introduce yourself. Who are you, and where are you from?
I’m René, and I’m forty-nine years old. Born in Rotterdam, raised in Spijkenisse. I have three beautiful children and two bonus children, LOL.
- Amen!! You weren’t raised Christian, were you? Absolutely nothing.
No, absolutely nothing. Not consciously. My mother was raised Catholic by tradition. When she still lived at home, she sometimes went to church with her parents. She and her sisters also attended a school taught by nuns. But she didn’t have very good experiences there, which is still discussed regularly among my mother and her sisters, my aunts.
“Do you want something? Then you’ll have to work for it!”
My father was raised without faith, in a typical Rotterdam way: if you want something, you have to work for it. When my parents got together, they didn’t do anything with faith, not even getting married in church. So, as a family, we lived completely without faith, God or church.
- But how did your walk with the Lord begin? If it was so unfamiliar to you, how did you still find your way to His love?
I was about twenty years old, and I’d already been through a pretty rough time. At a young age, I was bullied a lot, which resulted in me really searching for the best way to grow up. I went in the wrong direction and became rebellious and rebellious. I wanted to fit in and act tough. Moreover, the bullying and teasing escalated to such an extent that I saw no other way out than to resort to violence.
Although my character isn’t naturally like that at all, and I actually prefer to avoid things. Of course, I’m very tall, even then, so I was regularly challenged, which didn’t help, and things went from bad to worse. I became increasingly hardened and rebelled more and more.
I eventually encountered some boys from my past who behaved the same way: rebellious, loudmouthed boys. Rebellious against society. Well, this didn’t help my behavior at all; I started copying them and brought it home with me.
By the time I was about sixteen, my relationship with my parents was strained because of this. I increasingly rebelled at home to get my own way. Around that time, the “Gabber era” began in the Netherlands. The hardcore music and lifestyle appealed to me enormously.
People around me were using drugs, which I wasn’t at the time, but eventually I gave in and started using them. This started with smoking marijuana.
“I started smoking weed, but soon other things were added: speed, LSD, and cocaine.”
- Oh man, straight to smoking? I’m not familiar with drug use or smoking at all, but didn’t you start with a cigarette?
Oh yeah, but I was already doing that when I was twelve, in my last year of primary school! Everyone in our house smoked: both my parents, my sister, and some of our friends. I was just so bold as to come home with a pack of rolling tobacco and throw it on the table, telling my parents, “There, I’m smoking!”
And because my sister was allowed to smoke it at the time, they didn’t put up much of a fight. So yeah, by the time I was sixteen, I switched to smoking weed, but soon other things were added: speed, LSD, or cocaine.
It started with occasional weekend use, and then pills were added, but soon it became more frequent, even outside the weekends.
“I drank so much alcohol every weekend that I only stopped when I really couldn’t take it anymore or the bar closed, and I had to leave.”
- Did you feel like you really needed it at that moment?
Well, no, not necessarily. I was more looking for a rush, but looking back now, maybe it was already a search for happiness. After a few years, my “Gabber” period transitioned to rap music, which also changed the people I associated with.
Anyway, the going out, and drug use didn’t change; alcohol, however, was added—a lot of alcohol and magic mushrooms. At one point, I tried to quit smoking weed. Although that was going pretty well, I compensated with heavy drinking on the weekends. While I could easily give up the hard drugs themselves, I had more trouble with the weed, which I was doing daily at the time.
I lied to myself by convincing myself I wasn’t addicted. I could easily quit if I wanted to, right? But I just didn’t want to; that’s what I told myself.
Anyway, the moment I finally wanted to let it go, I realized I was struggling more with it than I’d always believed. During that period, I drank so much alcohol every weekend that I only stopped when I absolutely couldn’t take it anymore or the pub closed, and I had to leave. That was around the age of nineteen to twenty-one.
Weekend after weekend, I’d be in the pub, even going by myself, naturally meeting people there, and if I didn’t, I’d be there alone.
“With every religion I researched, I came to the conclusion that it was mostly about hard work and hoping to receive "something." If not, you're out of luck and reincarnated...or not even that.”
- Was that also the moment you started asking if there might be more to this life? If there might be a God?
Well, that was more or less the period when, between going out and drinking, I started searching.
Although it wasn’t directly for God. My sister was into spiritual matters at the time and believed she had a spirit guide, and somehow it appealed to me, and I found it interesting. I started reading books about it and connected with a couple who were also involved in those things. Together with them, I explored all sorts of spiritual paths and read all sorts of books. But everything I explored remained vague and unattainable.
From all sorts of spiritual matters, I quickly moved on to exploring all sorts of faiths, but everything I explored remained complicated and unattainable. With every faith I explored, I came to the conclusion that it was mainly about hard work and hoping to receive “something,” and if not, you’re out of luck and reincarnated… or not even that, LOL.
Meanwhile, that couple was still searching, and one day I went to their home, and they said, “What we’re doing and what we’re looking for isn’t good.” I didn’t understand and asked them why. She explained that they had connected with a Christian who had explained some things to them and eventually referred them to an Alpha course.
At the time, I’d never heard of it, but it turned out you could learn about what was good there, and that it was Jesus. I decided to go with them and just see what would come of it.
- What did your parents think about that? Because I assume you were still living at home at the time?
Yes, definitely, I was still living at home. I did tell them then, but as long as it was my own choice, they didn’t mind.
This was in 1997 when I first entered the Alpha course. It was very accessible, and they explained the Christian faith to me in a simple way, who Jesus is, and what He has done for us. I learned about the Holy Spirit and about God; we ate together, sang hymns together, and prayed together.
At first, it was all a bit strange and awkward, but I quickly got used to it. And because I was curious, I kept coming back. My attitude has always been open, and although that didn’t help in the past with alcohol and drugs, it did in this case.
- What struck you most about Christianity that you had missed in everything you had previously explored?
Love!
Love, and Grace, and how this turned out to be a central point.
This was missing from everything I had explored up until then. Every other faith is essentially a system: “When you do this or that, you get this or that.” A revenue model is essentially something that is also the same as the world. And this is completely different in Christianity!
Love and grace are central, and although I had no idea at the time what exactly this meant… It was all different…it IS all different!
After a while, a suggestion came up to go to a church service, and from there, I went to a youth evening.
It was February 14, 1998, and I was twenty-one years old when I arrived at the youth evening that evening. I still remember ringing the doorbell at the venue and no one answering. Just as I decided to turn around and leave, someone came and let me in. I walked in, and that evening there was a guest speaker. I’d never heard of him, but it turned out to be Jaap Dieleman! (Jaap Dieleman is the director of the De Heilbode foundation, writer, a well known evangelist in the Netherlands, and speaker. He was converted on January 8, 1977.)
At the end of the evening, he prayed for everyone. He asked me what he could pray for me, and I told him I wanted prayers to help me stop being so aggressive. He then asked me if I had given my heart to Jesus. I said no, but that I did want to, so he prayed with me, and I gave my life to Jesus!
The next day, I went to church and was told in front of the entire congregation that I had given my heart to the Lord. It wasn’t a big deal to me, so I didn’t understand why it was such a big deal, LOL.
Later that year, in May, I was also baptized. My mother was also there.
- Oh wow! What did she think of that at the time?
She thought it was really beautiful! Soon after my conversion, I stopped going out, although drinking remained a problem.
“I got behind the wheel after drinking a huge amount of alcohol, and after driving off the highway, I crashed into a lamppost and completely destroyed my car.”
One evening, after a sports day, we went with the youth group for a drink to round off the day. I went along; I’d just bought a car, and after that evening, I decided to go to the pub where I’d spent a lot of time before my conversion.
That’s where things went terribly wrong.
I got behind the wheel after drinking heavily, and after driving off the highway, I crashed into a lamppost and completely wrecked my car. There was a dent in the steering wheel near my head, and the hood was half-decayed! So you can imagine how badly that went. My nose was completely destroyed, and they had to “patch it up” with plastic surgery. I ended up spending five days in the hospital and was banned from driving for ten days.
From that moment on, I didn’t drink a drop for seven years; that was the end of my drinking habit.
In retrospect, I do believe that God used that moment to change that drinking habit. Of course, I had been converted and become a new person (2 Corinthians 5:17), but in the flesh, those old habits still needed to be broken, and my mind needed to be renewed. (Romans 12:2)
- What did you notice in your relationship with God during those seven years? Did you also notice spiritual growth?
Well, there was definitely growth. I had a hunger for the Word, so I’d been engaged with it a lot since then. The church I attended at the time also offered Bible studies, which I always enjoyed attending.
Did you also notice that God was changing you? Or did those around you notice a change?
Oh yes, especially in the beginning, I couldn’t keep my mouth shut about Jesus. I also suddenly became much calmer. Before, I was quite eager to express my opinion, even if you didn’t want to hear it, and I would argue with everyone. After my conversion, all of this became less.
- So after your conversion, you were passionate about Jesus, devoured the Word, and shared Jesus with people. Yet, you entered a period of your life where your faith practically ground to a halt. Would you like to talk about that?
Yes, that’s right, there was definitely a moment when everything ground to a halt.
I was going through a divorce from my first wife, the mother of my two oldest children. Over time, I met someone and moved from the Rotterdam area to a small village in Brabant in 2012. At the beginning of this relationship, we attended a church and planned to get married.
During this period, conflicts arose between us. This spiraled out of control, leading to physical violence. This put the wedding plans on hold, and we wanted to work on the relationship and our personal behavior. That helped a little at the time, so after a year we decided to go ahead with the wedding after all. However, in the meantime, our pastor from this church no longer supported the marriage and therefore refused to marry us. The reason given was that we both had previous marriages, which led him to believe it wouldn’t be right to bless this marriage. I could understand that, but my ex didn’t, which led to us leaving that church.
We tried looking for a new church, but it wasn’t easy. She was very jealous and found a reason in every church we visited to decide it wasn’t the right place for us. I let this influence me, which resulted in me being unable to attend a church for a very long time until an acquaintance of hers messaged her to ask if we’d be interested in attending a service there.
"I actually completely abandoned my faith during that period, and that was a very long time, from 2013/2014 to 2020. Six years without letting God into your life or seeking Him is a major setback."
- So you didn’t really have a church life together; were you even engaged with God at home?
At home? No, maybe just listening to a song at most.
You try to hold on to it, but ultimately, it’s very difficult. In fact, I completely let go of faith during that period, and that was a very long time, from 2013/2014 to 2020. Six years without letting God into your life or seeking Him is a major setback.
When we started attending church after this encounter, we weren’t consistently attending church weekly either, sometimes we did not go for months at a time, so our faith life was almost nonexistent during the entire time we were together.
Nothing was being done with it at home either, and I didn’t have a prayer life because there was never any peace at home in many areas.
That period in my life was truly detrimental to my relationship with God. Despite the fact that we didn’t have a good relationship at all, and it was incredibly turbulent, with many arguments and unrest, we eventually got married.
Ultimately, the situation at home escalated to the point that staying in the same house was no longer sustainable.
The situation at home had become unbearable, and I saw absolutely no way out. I knew that if I stayed in the same house, things would go terribly wrong.”
- God’s Word says that His hand never lets go of us (Philippians 1:6.). When you look back on this difficult period in your life, do you experience it that way too?
Well, not necessarily, at least not at the time. There was so much unrest and chaos in my life and in our home; you couldn’t even find a place to relax. So no, at that moment, I absolutely didn’t see that God hadn’t let me go. In retrospect, I did see it as God sitting on a chair next to you and saying, “You know I’m here; I’m sitting next to you, but you have to come yourself.”
Although the circumstances and the relationship I was in at the time were very difficult, I still noticed that God’s blessing rested on me. I always had a certain drive to keep going, to build, and to try to see the positive.
I also always harbored the desire to return to God, but it wasn’t encouraged, and I wasn’t strong enough to break through, so finding my way back to Him didn’t happen.
Eventually, the situation at home escalated to the point that staying in the same house was no longer sustainable. It had become unbearable, and I saw absolutely no way out. I knew that if I stayed in the same house, things would go terribly wrong. There had already been physical violence, and I naturally wanted to prevent it from happening again, so I decided to divorce and leave immediately.
Immediately after leaving, I made a decision that led to a major transformation: I decided to seek God again, attend church weekly, and not let anyone or any situation influence my behavior ever again!
“At that time, I was also completely dependent on myself and God.”
I found a new home, and at home, I also began rebuilding my relationship with God. However, this took a lot of effort to break old patterns. I would watch television and TV shows late into the night; these were habits from my old life, which I used to escape the chaos at home. And I also had some self-pity that I had to let go of.
But during that period, I learned that you have to make conscious choices for yourself—wise choices, choices that are good for you and for your relationship with God. I had to let go of many old patterns and bring them to God. During that time, I was completely dependent on myself and God. I went to work, came home, went to church on Sundays, took care of my daughter on the days she was with me, and that was pretty much it.
I had no one else, and my family lived on the other side of the country. It was truly God and me, and I really struggled with being alone because I had never been truly alone in my life.
This period lasted about a year and a half, and I found it truly difficult. It was a process of trial and error. I still had moments where I knew, “I have to pray, I have to seek God,” but I simply didn’t feel like it, so I chose to watch TV until three or four in the morning. I tried to break patterns and find a way to get my life back on track. This time has been wonderful and valuable because it has brought me closer to God than ever before.
"All the knowledge from all those years was still there; it was just hidden. God dusted it off and breathed new life into it."
- Did you notice your hunger for God and His Word being rekindled?
Not at first, really. I had to really push myself to invest in God. Fortunately, I quickly came across excellent Biblical teaching through online sermons and books by preachers I hadn’t previously known, which allowed me to make great strides forward.
For years, at the beginning of my life of faith, I had been absorbing the Word in an almost legalistic way. I was always occupied with it, reading it, or imposing myself on it. In the six years after my first divorce, that came to a complete standstill, so I actually thought I had lost all that Bible knowledge. But God, through this new teaching I discovered, showed me that this was absolutely not the case. All the knowledge from all those years was still there; it was just hidden. God dusted it off and breathed new life into it. And eventually, my relationship with God began to grow more and more, and I discussed everything with Him.
- Like a potential new relationship, *wink 😉?
Hahaha, yes, that’s right. At one point, I did express to God, “Well, Lord, if anyone ever comes into my life again, I have a wish list, LOL.”
Seriously, one of the most important points I did express was that I wanted someone beside me who was spiritually mature and had her own relationship with God so that I wouldn’t have to constantly be the one leading her to God, but that she could also find her own way to Him. Of course, as a man, you do take on certain responsibilities, but it shouldn’t be that I should be responsible for someone else’s relationship with God, because that responsibility ultimately lies with you.
Other prayer points included: it would be nice if she could cook well, and she must love my beard because I would NOT shave it off, LOL.
But I also prayed that God would continue to shape and mold me 😉, that I would be humble and, like David, a man after His own heart.
“I have learned that you get to know yourself better when you spend more and more time with God.”
Another prayer point was that I would always have a hunger for growth. Something that has always stuck with me is something I learned from my previous pastor: your head, heart, and speech must be aligned with God. And that has always stuck with me. It’s important to show your heart to God, although I still sometimes wonder, “What’s really going on in my heart?” But I have learned that you get to know yourself better when you spend more and more time with God. This brings you peace in Him, and He also gives you better prayer points or shows you what you need. Desires or expectations of a potential new relationship are adjusted because God shows you what you truly need and what you can pray for. Well…and at some point, your prayers are answered!
- Hallelujah! Are there still things you’re struggling with in your faith life? Or things you find difficult?
One thing I still struggle with sometimes is that I can still be a bit tense. Although I do notice that the Holy Spirit is increasingly teaching me to let go of things.
Other than that, I’m not facing any specific challenges at the moment, but I do notice that you really need to stay in touch with God daily and often also need to continue receiving good teaching.
- Yes, absolutely! When we weaken our connection with God or don’t stay in His Word, you quickly find yourself doing things on your own or not going well. What is the thing that God has ever done for you that has stood out the most to you?
What has stood out the most to me?
Well, that’s the most recent one; that’s you!
- *giggle
How we got together, how we got married, and how I got this house just before that.
Also, that I rented an apartment in another village before that. The rent was high, and I was in financial trouble, yet I was able to live there for months because God provided in special ways each time.
This taught me to truly trust Him, because at that moment, I had no other choice or way out than to trust God and that everything would work out. This makes it easier to trust God now.
- We really need those experiences to build trust. It’s just like any other relationship; you have to build trust.
“I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name.” - Isaiah 45:2-3
- Which Bible verse resonates with you most or gives you the most strength?
For me, those are two Bible verses! Hebrews 11:1 and Isaiah 45:2-3.
What resonates with me about Isaiah 45:2-3 is God called us first. We didn’t choose Jesus, but God chose us! And He Himself went out before us to smooth out every rough road!
Therefore, we don’t have to go over a mountain, and we don’t have to go through a valley, because God has smoothed our path. So yes, even if you were to walk through a valley of deep darkness… that’s all nice, but you don’t have to!
- Nice? That’s not nice at all! LOL
Yeah…well…you can also choose not to go through it; God has already paved the way.
That’s what this text means to me; I don’t have to go through a storm because Jesus spoke to the storm, and then it had to subside!
- And why Hebrews 11:1? Why does that resonate with you?
Especially because it describes what faith is.
Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen. So we might not see it, but it’s there. Just like spiritual reality, it’s more real than the things we can see.
- That’s so beautiful, darling! Have you been able to discover your gifts or talents so far?
Not necessarily. What I do have, though I’m not sure if that directly answers the question, is that I’m always very precise and accurate, even at work. Besides that, I always want to do just a little bit more than necessary, to go that extra mile with the things that suit me. And I’m still exploring that.
“It quickly became clear that we had more feelings for each other than just friendship.”
- Have you ever had an experience where God asked you to take a step of faith?
Yes! With you! LOL.
When I first met you, we went for a walk. We were both giggly and nervous, but it quickly became clear that we had feelings for each other beyond friendship.
- Wait a minute! That wasn’t immediately clear to me, you know. Speak for yourself, LOL.
Well, we enjoyed it more than just fun.
- Yes, that’s true.
Well, that’s what I’m saying 😊! We were cautious, of course.
After that first date, we had another one later that week. And just before that second meeting, I told you I liked you. I tried to get your opinion on me, but you weren’t taking the bait, LOL. So yeah, I took the plunge and just said I liked you. And then I finally got it out the door, and we saw each other again a few days later, which was a bit nerve-wracking and awkward.
We were in the car together, and I wanted to hold your hand, but I didn’t dare. What if you weren’t interested? It would have been a very awkward car ride! I was wrestling with that in my head, so in the end, I decided against it.
- While I was sitting next to you, I was thinking to God, “Lord, if this is from You, let him take my hand!” God was urging you to take my hand, but you didn’t obey, haha!
That’s right, I didn’t dare. I was careful, but later, on the way back, we stopped somewhere, and I did put my arm around you. I thought, well, if you don’t want it, at least we’re almost home now, haha!
“Then the next step in faith was to get married quickly!”
- Well, indeed, I could have walked home from that point, LOL.
Haha, yeah, well, it was actually pretty clear what we were both thinking, but we were both still cautious, and I was mustering up the courage to take the plunge. But… I took that step in faith, and it worked out well!
Then the next step in faith was to get married quickly!
- AMEN! That worked out well too 😉. I actually have two more questions: Who is Jesus to you?
“When I can’t, He pulls me through.”
Jesus is the One I can always turn to in any situation. I can tell Him anything.
He is Someone who has shown me that He’s willing to do anything for me. Moreover, He is love, and when I can’t, He pulls me through.
Sometimes I struggle, but He patiently waits for me to come to Him and “get it right.” It’s as if He’s sitting on a chair in front of me, waiting and saying, “Well, if you want, I’m here, I’m here. Come on.” He truly is my rock and my refuge, and He’s always there wherever I go.
- So beautiful! Now, darling, my last question for you: is there anything else you’d like to share with our readers?
Yes, I do!
Invest time in God instead of other things!
Make that a priority.
Meditate on Bible verses and proclaim them.Speak them over your life, over your wife, and over your children.
And, after God, let love be number one in your life and in everything you do!
